We began our discussion this month with a dissection of Power. If ya’ll recall, we wrapped up that post with the following explanation of what Power has to do with unhealthy relationships.

“The benefits and disadvantages faced by certain groups can show up in relationships and help to reinforce the power differences between people. When we are aware of these systemic forces, we can best understand how to help others and ourselves to make sure abuse and violence are not perpetuated in our community or intimate relationships. We can also understand the complex situations people are in when they try to access services from organizations/institutions that believe in and reinforce those -isms we just spoke about.”

Today we will focus on a discussion of dating abuse. At PBJ, we define dating abuse as follows.

Dating abuse occurs when harmful behaviors are used to manipulate, gain control, gain power over, or make someone feel bad about them-self or other people close to them.

Here is a list of some harmful behaviors often found within unhealthy relationships. We have placed them within two categories: Physical Harm & Emotional Harm.

This is not a complete list of harmful behaviors. If you have any questions about possible harmful behaviors that you or a friend are experiencing, please call either the SPAN (303)444-2424 or MESA (303) 443-7300. Both lines are free, confidential, and anonymous.

[tabs tab1=”Physical” tab2=”Emotional”]
[tab]

– hitting
– scratching
– pushing
– threatening
– pinching
– shoving
– forcing
– throwing things
– biting
– sexual assault
– sexual harassment
– damaging personal property

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– name calling
– criticizing
– telling lies
– spreading rumors
– threatening to hurt oneself
– humiliating
– behaving jealously
– isolating partner from friends and/or family
– cheating on a dating partner
– making a dating partner feel guilty
– ignoring a dating partner’s feelings
– scaring a dating partner

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Use this list of harmful behaviors to help you figure out if behaviors are abusive or not. Emotional, sexual, and physical dating abuse are all serious.

When emotionally harmful behaviors happen once, they may not be abusive. Emotional harmful behaviors become a problem when the behaviors continue and they’re used to manipulate, control, gain power over someone, or makes a person feel badly.

However, any use of physical or sexual violence is abusive, even if it’s only done once.

An abusive relationship is usually characterized by a pattern of behavior that includes more than just physical violence. It is a pattern of threatening and intimidating behavior used to gain control over a partner. It can include all of the harmful behaviors we just mentioned.

During our next blog post, we will discuss further as we introduce the Cycle of Violence.

Although we have different types of loving relationships, we often look for the same qualities in the people we want close to us. We all want people to respect our opinions, to encourage our dreams, and to support us in hard times. So even though our relationships with our parents, our best friend, and our dating partner(s) are different, there is a similarity in that caring people treat us in ways that help us feel good about ourselves.

Think of a time when you felt respected by someone you were close to. What did that person do to make you feel respected and/or loved? How did you treat them in return? What are important ways you want to be treated in a relationship?

During our in-class presentations, we work with students to write a list of the ways they want to be treated within a relationship. Oftentimes students will respond with: “I want to be loved,” “I want to be romanced,” “I want to be cared for,” “I want to be respected,” “I want to be heard,” “I want to be supported,” etc. An important component of healthy relationships is knowing what you want out of relationship. Knowing how you want to be treated by a dating partner is a great way to know how you don’t want to be treated by a dating partner.

Below is a diagram known as the teen equality wheel borrowed from the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence that provides some basic themes needed in order to sustain a healthy and equitable relationship. Themes such as…

Negotiation & Fairness

Respect

Non-threatening Behavior

Trust & Support

Honesty & Accountability

Self Confidence & Personal Growth

Shared Power

Communication

…are extremely helpful tools to utilize in forming healthy relationships.

If you were to make a list of the two most important ways you want to be treated, which things would you include? These two things are your bottom line. These are the things that you must have in a relationship. When you’re dating someone, go over this list every once in a while to see if you’re getting the things that are most important to you in the relationship. We all have choices in how we want to be treated. If you aren’t getting the things that are most important to you, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.

We can all choose how we want to be treated by our dating partners and choose the way that we want to treat them in return. Author, feminist, teacher and scholar bell hooks wrote, “But love is really more of an interactive process. It’s about what we do, not just what we feel. It’s a verb, not a noun.”

What are your bottom line needs within a relationship?

As we begin discussing the dynamics of Teen Dating Violence, it’s important to understand the concept of Power & Control as it is a force found within many unhealthy relationships.

Let’s start with a discussion of power. When I say the word power, what images come to mind? Lightbulbs? Muscles? Tanks? Money?

All of the images that come to mind can be placed within one of three categories:

a) Individual/Power Within
b) Collective/Power With
c) Institutional/Power Over

 

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[one_half_last]Individual Power/Power Within is the power that an individual feels. Feelings of individual strength, autonomy, and expression.[/one_half_last]

[one_half][/one_half][one_half_last]Collective Power/Power With is the power that individuals feel when they come together. This can be thought of as synergy. The word synergy comes from the Ancient Greek term synergia, meaning “working together. Artivist M.K. Asante, Jr. defines synergy as, “…the interaction or cooperation of two or more agents to produce a combined effect effect greater than the sum of their separate effects.” We see examples of collective power in marches, protests, co-ops, etc.[/one_half_last]

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[one_half_last]Institutional Power/Power Over is the power that comes from institutions. It can be seen in some governments, monopolies, laws, and in the systems that enforce them.[/one_half_last]

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The School of Unity and Liberation in California defines power as, “the ability to control circumstances.” Oftentimes, political scientists define power as the ability to influence the behavior of others, with or without resistance. Within social justice work, power can be defined as access to resources and/or privileges. Depending on your social position, it is more than likely to have different amounts of power in various parts of your life.

Now that we have a collective definition/vision of what power is and how it shows up, let’s talk about who is in power.

What groups have had access to power within our society?
What groups have had less power?
What systems have allowed for this power imbalance to occur?

Below is a power and oppression chart. Within it are three tabs. The tab on the left shows groups of privilege a.k.a. groups that have historically held power, the middle tab shows the system of oppression or the “-ism” that allows a power imbalance to happen, and the tab on the right shows the groups that have been oppressed or marginalized by the system of oppression for the empowerment of the privileged group.

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Power & Oppression Chart

[tabs tab1=”Privilege” tab2=”System” tab3=”Oppression”]
[tab]

Groups with Access to Societal Power

• Men
• White People
• Upper/Middle class and rich people
• Adults
• Heterosexuals
• Able-bodied/able-minded people
• U.S. Born & U.S. Citizens

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Systems

• Sexism
• Racism
• Capitalism/Classism
• Adultism/Ageism
• Heterosexism
• Ableism
• Xenophobia

[/tab]

[tab]

Groups with Less Access to Societal Power

• Women/Transgender & Gender nonconforming and intersex people
• People of Color
• Poor and working class people
• Youth & Elderly people
• Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Two-spirit, Queer & Questioning people
• People with Disabilities
• Immigrants and People outside the U.S.

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Before we move forward, let’s recap a few points. As we live our lives, we are constantly engaging under an amalgam of systems that benefit certain groups of people at the expense of others. This difference in power has led to a lot of violence, distrust, and heartache between and within groups. We’ve also defined power as the ability to control circumstances and as the ability to influence the behavior of others, with or without resistance.

So, what does power have to do with relationships?

The benefits and disadvantages faced by certain groups can show up in relationships and help to reinforce the power differences between people. When we are aware of these systemic forces, we can best understand how to help others and ourselves to make sure abuse and violence are not perpetuated in our community or intimate relationships. We can also understand the complex situations people are in when they try to access services from organizations/institutions that believe in and reinforce those -isms we just spoke about.

Later on this month, we will dissect and discuss Control and the ways that Power & Control develop the foundation of an unhealthy relationship.
…