All posts by PBJ

Why should you join PBJ?

(1) PBJ is a radical youth collective.

 

(2) We have a really fun (and educational) training in the fall including a sweet overnight retreat at a cabin up in the mountains!

 

(3) Being a part of PBJ is great for public speaking experience.

 

(4) It looks awesome, really awesome, on college applications (we write a mean recommendation letter).

 

(5) Learn about arts-based activism, making the world a better place and making a difference in your communities.

 

(6) Acquire the tools to build and maintain a website and blog.

 

(7) Meet other students from schools all around and throughout Boulder County.

 

And mostly because…

 

It’s really fun!

Apply today!

Long Distant Relationships and Abuse

IMG_0880

With long distance relationships becoming more common, we hear more and more about the various successes and failures that come with the territory. Most of the time this option is not by choice. Careers, school and family are just a few of the factors that keep lovers whispering sweet nothings into phones instead of each other’s ears. But if you think a relationship is doomed because of distance, think again. According to stats compiled by the Center for the Study of Long-Distance Relationships (yes, there really is such a thing), the myth that most long-distance relationships fail is just that: a myth. The reality is that more couples are making it work than you might think. Over one million couples are living in separate U.S. cities today, and another 700,000 LDR couples are actually married.

However LDRs tend to create unique problems of their own, especially when abuse is called into question. Long distance relationships can become abusive just as any other relationship could. A video called “Emotional Consequences of Long-Distance Relationship,” by Dr. Paul Vehorn explains that such relationships are likely to have “neurotic responses.” He explains that this is most likely caused by one or both partners feeling out of control and particularly vulnerable because of the separation.

Beware of the warning signs of emotional abuse. These are the same in long-distance relationships as relationships without any distance, and include name calling, constant and baseless accusations of unfaithfulness, threats, manipulative behaviors, constant calling or texting, and control a partners time isolating them from friends and family.

If you are in a LDR, it is important to be aware of the warning signs of abuse. Long distance relationships can be rewarding and full of love, but the added stresses often put pressure on both partners leading to unknown and unforeseen consequences.

– Meagan Traylor

If you or someone you love is being abused in a long-distance or traditional relationship, please seek help:

[divider] Here are some resources… [/divider]

SPAN 24-hr Crisis and Information Hotline: 303.444.2424

MESA 24-hr Sexual Assault Hotline: 303.443.7300

Safe2Tell hotline: 1(877) 542-7233

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1.866.331.9474

Guilt/Obligation

maddy

A person may stay with an abuser because they feel that they are personally responsible for that person’s happiness and well being.

If their abuser has other conflicting factors in their life such as a substance abuse problem or an illness the victim may feel it is their duty to aid them in their recovery. Also if their abuser has become physically dependent on them financially or there is a child in the mix the victim may feel obligated to stay as well. 

 

In this situation…

The important thing to remember is that you are not responsible for anyone’s happiness especially if it sacrifices your own happiness in the process. Relationships are not meant to be co-dependent. They are meant to have balance and benefit both people. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help someone you care about that is struggling, but it shouldn’t be at your expense.

-Madilyn Smith
Silver Creek High School

 

[divider] Here are some resources… [/divider]

SPAN 24-hr Crisis and Information Hotline: 303.444.2424

MESA 24-hr Sexual Assault Hotline: 303.443.7300

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1.866.331.9474

Control doesn’t always end when a relationship does.

maddy
Control doesn’t always end when a relationship does.

Even after a break up a partner can make attempts to stay in control.

 

 

 

 

Here are a few examples…

  • Constant messaging- texts, calls, etc.
  • Begging you to take them back one minute and degrading you and calling you names the next
  • Threats to hurt/kill themselves if you break up with them
  • Spying on you- whether that be hacking onto your email or actually sitting outside your house

 

If you or a friend is in this situation the important thing to remember is the difference between actions stemming from a place of love or a place of manipulation. Someone missing you and wanting to be with you does not excuse or justify violating your boundaries.

– Madilyn Smith
Silver Creek High School

 

[divider] Here are some resources… [/divider]

SPAN 24-hr Crisis and Information Hotline: 303.444.2424
MESA 24-hr Sexual Assault Hotline: 303.443.7300
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1.866.331.9474

Control can run deep in relationships.

maddy

I have learned from my own experience that abuse is not just about physical harm or even simply name calling. Control can run deep in relationships in ways that may go virtually unnoticed. Acts to keep control may be confused with acts of love or affection.

 

 

Here are a few examples…

  • Wanting to keep in constant contact- texting, calling, etc. and getting upset when you don’t get back to them immediately

 

  • Isolating you from loved ones- making you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with friends or family over spending time with them.

 

  • Wanting you to change- ex. urging you to cut your hair or wear certain clothes because they think you would look best that way.

 

  • These warning signs may be overlooked because they can seem thoughtful in nature, but the important thing is to trust your intuition. If your partner does or says something that feels invasive, or you find yourself losing balance in other areas of your life it may help to give yourself space to reassess the pros and cons of your relationship.

 

– Madilyn Smith
Silver Creek High School

 

[divider] Here are some resources…[/divider]

SPAN 24-hr Crisis and Information Hotline: 303.444.2424

MESA 24-hr Sexual Assault Hotline: 303.443.7300

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1.866.331.9474

Application Release!

Hello Everyone.

If you are intrested in becoming involved with PBJ next year please download, fill out and return the application below to one of our PBJ Educators.

Download PBJ Application

[divider] PBJ Educators [/divider]

Ashley Raleigh-Cohn, MPH
Prevention Education Coordinator, MESA
ashley@movingtoendsexualassault.org
303.443.0400

John Díaz-Cortés, MM
Youth Violence Prevention Educator & Organizer, SPAN
john@safehousealliance.org
303.449.8623

Teen Job Fair

For Youth and Young Adults
Ages 14 – 21

Thursday, March 21, 3:00 – 6:00 p.m.
at A Spice of Life
5706 Arapahoe Ave.
Boulder, CO 80303

Be Ready!
• Bring your Resume
• Apply for a Job
• Bring your Social Security #
• Bring your Desire to Work!

Brought to you by Workforce Boulder County, the Colorado Division of
Vocational Rehabilitation, the Governor’s Summer Job Hunt,
and the Colorado Department of Labor and Employment

Professional Attire Recommended

Questions?____________
Workforce Boulder County
2520 55th St., Suite 100
Boulder, CO 80301
Phone: 303.301.2900
www.wfbc.org

How to help a friend

[divider] Friends [/divider]

People often turn to their friends for help when they find themselves in abusive relationships.  Often people in abusive relationships have limited resources to find help.  If they come to you it is important to understand how complex abusive relationships can be and how difficult it might be to reach out for help.

[divider] Why don’t people leave? [/divider]

When you ask a victim of abuse “why don’t you just leave?” the person might not feel supported or might feel like you are blaming them.

People stay for many reasons:

because they are in love

they think the bad things might go away

they might feel responsible for the abuse

they might want to help the abuser

they might financially depend on their abuser

 

[divider] Barriers to getting help [/divider]

fear of hurting their partner’s feelings

fear that their friend will tell them to end the relationship

fear that they won’t be believed, understood, or that they will be blamed for what happened

fear that their parents won’t let them date anymore, or will get them in trouble

not knowing where to get help or how

fear that their partner will get mad and retaliate

not knowing how to make the situation better

embarassment

fear of being judged

not trusting their abuser won’t find out

not wanting to admit it’s a problem

they might depend on their abuser for finances

they might be isolated from friends and family

 

[divider] Ways to help a friend [/divider]

1. Don’t gossip

= how could you make sure your friend knows you won’t talk with other people about their situation?

2. Believe the story

= what would you do or say that shows your friend that you “Believe the story?”

3. Tell your friend that they DO NOT deserve to be abused

= how do you tell your friend they don’t deserve to be abused?

4. Let your friend make their own decisions

= how do you show your friend they can make their own decision?

5. Make a safety plan

= what should your friend consider when making a safety plan?

6. Give help/resources

= SPAN 24-hr Crisis and Information Hotline: 303.444.2424

= MESA 24-hr Sexual Assault Hotline: 303.443.7300

= National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1.866.331.9474

= Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN): 1.800.656.HOPE(4673)

= Break the Cycle: www.breakthecycle.org

= Hear my Voice (LGBTQ youth): hearmyvoice.breakthecycle.org/

= That’s Not Cool: www.thatsnotcool.com

= Love is Respect: www.loveisrespect.org
[divider] Summary [/divider]

If a friend comes to you for help, you now know that:

1. It can be difficult to seek help

2. To support a friend, you can show them you understand, believe them, and want to help.

3. You can also point them to community resources and let them make their own decisions.

“Safe” Sexting

[divider] Safe Sexting? [/divider]

“Putting something on the internet is no different than leaving it on the table at a coffee shop in the mall.”

– Behnke, 2009

[divider] What is sexting? [/divider]

the act of sending sexually explicit messages or photos electronically

 

[divider] Problems with sexting [/divider]

NO guaranteed privacy

NO changing your mind

Nothing is truly anonymous

Recipient may not want sexts

 

[divider] Sexting Statistics [/divider]

48% of teens have received sexts

78% of teen girls & 82% of teen boys are NOT sending nude/semi-nude pictures or videos

63% of teen girls & 60% of teen boys are NOT sending sexually suggestive messages

*(stats taken from thenationalcampaign.org, 2008)

 

[divider] Ideas? [/divider]

How do you stay strong under pressure?

What are ways that you can avoid sending sexts if you don’t want to?

Equitable Communication: 4 steps

Healthy communication is vital to a healthy relationship. Please take some time to read the following steps in order to engage in healthy, respectful and equitable dialogue.

 

 1) Keep your cool

Learn what calming strategies work for you. Take the time to cool down before engaging in conversation.

– take deep breaths
– count to/from 139 (or another random number that works for you)
– cry
– go into another room
– think of soemthing that makes you happy
– walk away

 

2) Ask ?’s

Honestly and unaggressively ask questions to learn more about the situation. After hearing your partner’s prespective, you may come to the conclusion that the situation was a misunderstanding.

 

3) Find out about feelings?

Try to understand how your partner feels about the situation at hand. Make sure you express your own feelings. Make sure to use “I statements” to express your emotions.

“I feel (insert your specific emotion) when you (insert the specific action). Could you please (suggest positive solution to the problem)?

Ex. “I feel embarrased when you repeatedly call me when I’m out with my friends.  Could you please call less, if you know I’m busy“?

 

4) Work towards a solution

Once you’ve expressed yourself and have also learned of your partner’s emotions, work together to figure out a mutually beneficial solution.