Yesterday, we highlighted how abusive relationships become painful and sometimes dangerous before anyone seeks help. During today’s blog post we will discuss Red Flags.

Red Flags are warning signs found within abusive relationships that show when changes need to be made before things get dangerous.

Below is a list of red flags for people who may be in an abusive relationship.

• being physically hurt
• feeling afraid of your dating partner
• feeling isolated or alone
• losing your friends
• changing your behavior because of your dating partner’s jealousy
• feeling embarrassed, put down, ashamed, or ugly
• being threatened
• feeling manipulated or controlled
• being afraid to express your on feelings of anger
• feeling a nervous or sick feeling in your stomach when your dating partner is irritated, frustrated, or angry
• feeling a pounding or fluttering in your chest when your dating partner isn’t happy
• not being allowed to, or being afraid to, make decisions for yourself
• noticing that your dating partner has very stereotypical beliefs about gender
• feeling as if your dating partner gets too personal or touches you in an unwanted way
• not having your thoughts or wishes for personal space respected

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If at any point you have questions and/or need to speak to someone about your relationship, please call either the SPAN (303) 444-2424 or MESA (303) 443-7300 hotlines. MESA and SPAN have specially trained counselors who are available 24/7/365. The hotlines are free, and they also have Spanish-speaking counselors.

You don’t need to be in crisis to call the phone numbers. You can call anytime, even if just to say, ‘I saw something happen between two friends of mine and I didn’t know what to think,’ or ‘I’m just looking for some information.’

Anyone can call these numbers. You can call about a friend, a family member, or about yourself. The call is totally confidential and you don’t need to give the counselor personal information about yourself such as your name and phone number. You can use a fake name or no name if you want.

As highlighted during the end of our last post, an abusive relationship is usually characterized by a pattern of behavior that includes more than just physical violence. It is a pattern of threatening and intimidating behavior used to gain control over a partner. It can include all of the harmful behaviors we mentioned during the last post. We call this pattern of behavior the Cycle of Violence. During the Cycle of Violence abusive partners will pair abusive behavior with nice behavior in order to control the way their partner thinks, acts, and/or feels.

Oftentimes, an offense that may seem minor at first glance (i.e. constant calls and/or texts, put downs, arguments) is ignored or minimized by a person experiencing abuse. Over time, these offenses can slowly break down one’s self-esteem. These offenses will often escalate and happen repeatedly and more often within abusive relationships.

The Cycle of Violence has three primary stages:
1) Build Up, 2) Blow Up, 3) Make Up.

Build-Up: Tension mounts. Person experiencing violence is compliant, may accept blame for/cover up abusive partner’s behavior, and compromises to keep the abusive partner non-violent. Abusive partner is becoming increasingly jealous and verbally or physically abusive.

Blow-Up: An acute incident occurs. Abusive partner is out of control. Sometimes a person experiencing violence might provoke this incident on purpose because they no longer can tolerate the anxiety, terror or anger of the “Build-Up” and wants to get the incident over with.

Make-Up: The re-engagement phase, when the person experiencing violence gets “hooked” back into the relationship because the abuser acts really sweet and does things like bringing flowers and gifts to their partner.

Why is the final phase “Make-Up” instead of “Break-Up?

The abusive partner will use a variety of means to convince victim to stay, such as telling the victim, ‘You’re my only friend’; only you understand me,’ giving gifts, saying ‘Don’t give up on me,’ behaving as if what occurred is only a minor incident, promising to get better, etc. The abusive partner can be really scared at this point that their partner will leave them. It is also important to remember the themes discussed during our blog post on Power.

If the person experiencing abuse is also experiencing oppression from one or more of the -isms we spoke of, it may be harder for them to leave and/or access services within the community. This is why along with raising awareness about teen dating violence, Peers Building Justice (PBJ) works to dismantle all forms of oppression through arts-based initiatives.

The benefits and disadvantages faced by certain groups can show up in relationships and help to reinforce the power differences between people. When we are aware of these systemic forces, we can best understand how to help others and ourselves to make sure abuse and violence are not perpetuated in our community or intimate relationships. We can also understand the complex situations people are in when they try to access services from organizations/institutions that believe in and reinforce those -isms we just spoke about.

Abusive relationships become painful and sometimes dangerous before anyone seeks help. However, it does not have to be this way. During tomorrow’s blog post we will discuss Red Flags. These are warning signs found within abusive relationships that show when changes need to be made before things get dangerous.

If at any point you have questions and/or need to speak to someone about your relationship, please call either the SPAN (303) 444-2424 or MESA (303) 443-7300 hotlines. MESA and SPAN have specially trained counselors who are available 24/7/365. The hotlines are free, and they also have Spanish-speaking counselors.

You don’t need to be in crisis to call the phone numbers. You can call anytime, even if just to say, ‘I saw something happen between two friends of mine and I didn’t know what to think,’ or ‘I’m just looking for some information.’

Anyone can call these numbers. You can call about a friend, a family member, or about yourself. The call is totally confidential and you don’t need to give the counselor personal information about yourself such as your name and phone number. You can use a fake name or no name if you want.

We began our discussion this month with a dissection of Power. If ya’ll recall, we wrapped up that post with the following explanation of what Power has to do with unhealthy relationships.

“The benefits and disadvantages faced by certain groups can show up in relationships and help to reinforce the power differences between people. When we are aware of these systemic forces, we can best understand how to help others and ourselves to make sure abuse and violence are not perpetuated in our community or intimate relationships. We can also understand the complex situations people are in when they try to access services from organizations/institutions that believe in and reinforce those -isms we just spoke about.”

Today we will focus on a discussion of dating abuse. At PBJ, we define dating abuse as follows.

Dating abuse occurs when harmful behaviors are used to manipulate, gain control, gain power over, or make someone feel bad about them-self or other people close to them.

Here is a list of some harmful behaviors often found within unhealthy relationships. We have placed them within two categories: Physical Harm & Emotional Harm.

This is not a complete list of harmful behaviors. If you have any questions about possible harmful behaviors that you or a friend are experiencing, please call either the SPAN (303)444-2424 or MESA (303) 443-7300. Both lines are free, confidential, and anonymous.

[tabs tab1=”Physical” tab2=”Emotional”]
[tab]

– hitting
– scratching
– pushing
– threatening
– pinching
– shoving
– forcing
– throwing things
– biting
– sexual assault
– sexual harassment
– damaging personal property

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[tab]

– name calling
– criticizing
– telling lies
– spreading rumors
– threatening to hurt oneself
– humiliating
– behaving jealously
– isolating partner from friends and/or family
– cheating on a dating partner
– making a dating partner feel guilty
– ignoring a dating partner’s feelings
– scaring a dating partner

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[/tabs]

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Use this list of harmful behaviors to help you figure out if behaviors are abusive or not. Emotional, sexual, and physical dating abuse are all serious.

When emotionally harmful behaviors happen once, they may not be abusive. Emotional harmful behaviors become a problem when the behaviors continue and they’re used to manipulate, control, gain power over someone, or makes a person feel badly.

However, any use of physical or sexual violence is abusive, even if it’s only done once.

An abusive relationship is usually characterized by a pattern of behavior that includes more than just physical violence. It is a pattern of threatening and intimidating behavior used to gain control over a partner. It can include all of the harmful behaviors we just mentioned.

During our next blog post, we will discuss further as we introduce the Cycle of Violence.

Although we have different types of loving relationships, we often look for the same qualities in the people we want close to us. We all want people to respect our opinions, to encourage our dreams, and to support us in hard times. So even though our relationships with our parents, our best friend, and our dating partner(s) are different, there is a similarity in that caring people treat us in ways that help us feel good about ourselves.

Think of a time when you felt respected by someone you were close to. What did that person do to make you feel respected and/or loved? How did you treat them in return? What are important ways you want to be treated in a relationship?

During our in-class presentations, we work with students to write a list of the ways they want to be treated within a relationship. Oftentimes students will respond with: “I want to be loved,” “I want to be romanced,” “I want to be cared for,” “I want to be respected,” “I want to be heard,” “I want to be supported,” etc. An important component of healthy relationships is knowing what you want out of relationship. Knowing how you want to be treated by a dating partner is a great way to know how you don’t want to be treated by a dating partner.

Below is a diagram known as the teen equality wheel borrowed from the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence that provides some basic themes needed in order to sustain a healthy and equitable relationship. Themes such as…

Negotiation & Fairness

Respect

Non-threatening Behavior

Trust & Support

Honesty & Accountability

Self Confidence & Personal Growth

Shared Power

Communication

…are extremely helpful tools to utilize in forming healthy relationships.

If you were to make a list of the two most important ways you want to be treated, which things would you include? These two things are your bottom line. These are the things that you must have in a relationship. When you’re dating someone, go over this list every once in a while to see if you’re getting the things that are most important to you in the relationship. We all have choices in how we want to be treated. If you aren’t getting the things that are most important to you, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.

We can all choose how we want to be treated by our dating partners and choose the way that we want to treat them in return. Author, feminist, teacher and scholar bell hooks wrote, “But love is really more of an interactive process. It’s about what we do, not just what we feel. It’s a verb, not a noun.”

What are your bottom line needs within a relationship?

As we begin discussing the dynamics of Teen Dating Violence, it’s important to understand the concept of Power & Control as it is a force found within many unhealthy relationships.

Let’s start with a discussion of power. When I say the word power, what images come to mind? Lightbulbs? Muscles? Tanks? Money?

All of the images that come to mind can be placed within one of three categories:

a) Individual/Power Within
b) Collective/Power With
c) Institutional/Power Over

 

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[one_half_last]Individual Power/Power Within is the power that an individual feels. Feelings of individual strength, autonomy, and expression.[/one_half_last]

[one_half][/one_half][one_half_last]Collective Power/Power With is the power that individuals feel when they come together. This can be thought of as synergy. The word synergy comes from the Ancient Greek term synergia, meaning “working together. Artivist M.K. Asante, Jr. defines synergy as, “…the interaction or cooperation of two or more agents to produce a combined effect effect greater than the sum of their separate effects.” We see examples of collective power in marches, protests, co-ops, etc.[/one_half_last]

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[one_half_last]Institutional Power/Power Over is the power that comes from institutions. It can be seen in some governments, monopolies, laws, and in the systems that enforce them.[/one_half_last]

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The School of Unity and Liberation in California defines power as, “the ability to control circumstances.” Oftentimes, political scientists define power as the ability to influence the behavior of others, with or without resistance. Within social justice work, power can be defined as access to resources and/or privileges. Depending on your social position, it is more than likely to have different amounts of power in various parts of your life.

Now that we have a collective definition/vision of what power is and how it shows up, let’s talk about who is in power.

What groups have had access to power within our society?
What groups have had less power?
What systems have allowed for this power imbalance to occur?

Below is a power and oppression chart. Within it are three tabs. The tab on the left shows groups of privilege a.k.a. groups that have historically held power, the middle tab shows the system of oppression or the “-ism” that allows a power imbalance to happen, and the tab on the right shows the groups that have been oppressed or marginalized by the system of oppression for the empowerment of the privileged group.

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Power & Oppression Chart

[tabs tab1=”Privilege” tab2=”System” tab3=”Oppression”]
[tab]

Groups with Access to Societal Power

• Men
• White People
• Upper/Middle class and rich people
• Adults
• Heterosexuals
• Able-bodied/able-minded people
• U.S. Born & U.S. Citizens

[/tab]

[tab]

Systems

• Sexism
• Racism
• Capitalism/Classism
• Adultism/Ageism
• Heterosexism
• Ableism
• Xenophobia

[/tab]

[tab]

Groups with Less Access to Societal Power

• Women/Transgender & Gender nonconforming and intersex people
• People of Color
• Poor and working class people
• Youth & Elderly people
• Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Two-spirit, Queer & Questioning people
• People with Disabilities
• Immigrants and People outside the U.S.

[/tab]

[/tabs]

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Before we move forward, let’s recap a few points. As we live our lives, we are constantly engaging under an amalgam of systems that benefit certain groups of people at the expense of others. This difference in power has led to a lot of violence, distrust, and heartache between and within groups. We’ve also defined power as the ability to control circumstances and as the ability to influence the behavior of others, with or without resistance.

So, what does power have to do with relationships?

The benefits and disadvantages faced by certain groups can show up in relationships and help to reinforce the power differences between people. When we are aware of these systemic forces, we can best understand how to help others and ourselves to make sure abuse and violence are not perpetuated in our community or intimate relationships. We can also understand the complex situations people are in when they try to access services from organizations/institutions that believe in and reinforce those -isms we just spoke about.

Later on this month, we will dissect and discuss Control and the ways that Power & Control develop the foundation of an unhealthy relationship.
…